I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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