We won't sleep together?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
