Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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