Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
