you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
