thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
