I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
