I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
