I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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