if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
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Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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