I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
