I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
i think my cat just said my name.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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