some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
