it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
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My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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