if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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