I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
