I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
