Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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