dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
