Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
