just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
