I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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