I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
