Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
