Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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