my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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