i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.