the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
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I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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