ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
