You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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