if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
