i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
