before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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