You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
