U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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