It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
