I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?