I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
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SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.