i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
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