Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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