so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just threw up on my dentist
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I wish there were birth control emojis
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
