hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I am one with the molecules
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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