my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
