The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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