There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
