i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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