bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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