ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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