I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
