We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
