my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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