Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
