Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
