I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
