I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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