im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
