Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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