the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize
