batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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