According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
